"I don't care about money, I just want to be wonderful." -Marilyn Monroe

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We ask ourselves: who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?
Marianne Williamson

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~*~Secret Life of a Bank Teller~*~

Customer:
I'd like a $25 money order.
Me:
Okay, but we have to charge you unless you withdraw it from your account. Would you like to deposit this and then wit--
Customer:
IT CHANGES. IT CHANGES. EVERY TIME I COME IN HERE IT CHANGES. LAST TIME IT WAS FINE. THE TIME BEFORE THAT IT WASN'T. FINE. FINE. I'LL DEPOSIT AND THEN WITHDRAW.
Me:
(silent while I do his transaction, because fuck talking to anyone who was raised to treat people that way over signing his name on two pieces of paper.)
Customer:
Can I take two lollipops?
Me:
...

Filed under relating so hard

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Man shot in reported gold store robbery linked to recent Dickson Street bank robberies

Listen up guys: if you rob a bank, you’re stupid. You’re not Jesse James or John Dillinger. You are an idiot. Even if you get away with it for a while, you will get caught. You will go to federal prison and you will gain a burly new boyfriend named Gus. Trust me, there is not enough money in a bank to justify risking your life (figuratively and literally.)

Not to mention, robberies freak bankers out. Like, kind of mess some of them up in the head. I’ve heard of some robbery victims becoming alcoholics. I still look over my shoulder. Sometimes at night I swear to GOD there is someone in the house ready to rob and possibly murder me. The nightmares are fading, but will probably never go away. I haven’t had one in a long time. Generally, my robbery nightmares are slightly comical because the robbers are always either a) timid customers b) Asian or c) polite. 

But anyway. The guy that robbed our bank TWICE (because he just loved us so much) and robbed 8 other banks in the area finally got caught. It took a few years, but they got him. He is never getting out of jail. He has two kids and a wife whose lives are also ruined. Idiot. Some day, I’m sure I’ll have to see his stupid face in court when I identify him and say yes, he’s the one that threatened to kill all of us. That if the cops came it would “be over.” That he made me get down on the floor IN A SKIRT. Of course I would wear a skirt on the day I get robbed. Have you ever tried to sit comfortably on the floor in a skirt without looking like a slut? Yes, yes I was still thinking about being a lady during a robbery. There is no limit to my class. 

Then there’s this guy: He (allegedly) robbed the Bank of Fayetteville train bank after ANOTHER guy robbed it earlier this year and got CAUGHT. How dumb can you be? He then (allegedly) robbed the Bank of America on Dickson, and went on to attempt to rod a gold store. He got shot by the badass clerk he tried to rob. I’d kill to have a Glock hidden in my desk at work, just so I could shoot a robber. I don’t think I have it in me to kill a person, but I wouldn’t think twice about shooting him in the leg/arm/crotchal region. 

So remember kids: don’t rob banks. Don’t rob any place for that matter. Here’s a novel idea: get a job. 

Filed under robbers are dumb get a job on my soap box the ladiest of ladies